Ever had one of those days???

I am having a "mama day" today. One of those days where I am overwhelmed and I am picking myself and my circumstances apart...not healthy, I know. But I'm doing it none the less. I know that I am a good mom, and I do take care of my kids, but I KNOW I could do so much better for them. Seriously, I can. But I find myself getting started and doing good with schedules and things for 2 weeks, and all of the sudden somewhere down the line, I just lose momentum and I stop. Most days I wake up, I look around, and even though I know what I need to get done, I drag my feet. I look around and I feel defeated before I even get started. This isn't a "pity me" party, really...it's more that I'm pissed at myself for allowing myself to get behind and lose that drive. I can't afford to do that. My kids can't afford for me to do that.

I love my kids more than anything, and to think that I could ever be disappointed with them, kills me! I had an image in my mind of the life I wanted for my kids, and now I'm happy if I can teach them to read and do basic math, let alone making friends and playing sports. Between tantrums and uncontrolled behaviors, to potty training pitfalls and homework duties...I have had one heck of a week and I am so tired and stressed out! I can't even begin to tell you how many meltdowns I've had, or nights I've cried myself to sleep. You know it's been a bad week when you cry over changing a poopy diaper.

I was watching my son playing Baseball tonight, and I just started crying by myself. Kids are mean to him and pick on him, and he has no clue it's not a good thing. Maybe it's a blessing that he doesn't know any better, but for me, it's torture. I can only control my own kid. I can't control parents, players, or people watching the game. All I have control over is my kid...and people have NO IDEA what I go through with my kids. Then to see someone being mean to them....ahhhh, no ya don't!

I know when people see us out in public, especially when it's just me with all the kids, that I am looked at as being an over bearing parent. I do get on my kids alot and I keep them on a short leash, but you would too if you've been through what we have. Molestations, turning on the gas pilots on the stove, closing herself in a dryer to play hide and seek (no one else was playing with her), walking out the front door because she thought it was time to go (at 10pm)...YES I AM PARANOID, but wouldn't you be?? I set boundaries everywhere we go for playing areas, eating areas, you name it. They are not allowed too far away from me. I mean let's face it, there are 8 of them and 1 of me. Do the math. If one takes off one way and another the other way....what does mom do? I hate that I am an unapproachable person in public. I don't get to mingle or be an adult unless I have a babysitter with me. I am just simply "that mom with all those kids" or "that pushover parent that needs to discipline her unruly kids". That's how it feels. These are things that are said or felt, and honestly, it sucks. I want to make friends with other parents and get to know more people around me, but the truth of the matter is, above all else....I'm a mom! I have to take care of them and that means I have to ignore others and sometimes I have to yell ALOT! But without structure, my kids would not be able to function. A world without rules and boundaries is a prison full of torture to them. So, too bad. I guess I just have to deal, and so does everyone else.

I mainly get upset thinking about how I can't change things for them. I can't make them "normal" kids. I can't set them up every step of their lives. And unfortunately I know that at some point if I can't help them overcome their fears, they will lose out later on in life when things like sports become more than just having fun and playing a game. When it becomes a matter of skill....will my kids make it or not?Even though they love the game and want nothing more than to play, will they get too? Do they have a fair chance at a great life? But most importantly, am I going to do EVERYTHING I can to insure that they get the chance to try for themselves and prove the world wrong about "special kids"????

I'm sure gonna try!!!! Even on "mama days".